Being British in Berlin

Just like most Brits seem to think the Germans dream about Adolf every night, the Germans have a good few clichés and prejudices about the British. Here's my top eleven - I had to add the last one because it's such a classic - favourite questions asked of me as a gen-u-ine London lass:

1. I expect you'd like a nice cup of tea, eh?
No, I don't drink tea.

2. What's your favourite food, fish and chips or boiled boar with peppermint sauce?
I am not a character out of a comic. I'll just stick with normal food, thanks.

3. Can you help my son with his English homework?
No, I can't. Or maybe I could, but I don't want to.

4. Why on earth did you move here? London is sooo cool!
Because I prefer to enjoy a decent standard of living with functioning public transport and affordable rents.

5. Did you go back to England to have your baby?
No. I savoured the German hospital system with its clean wards and relatively plentiful staffing.

6. Can you bring me back the English-language DVD of Barbarella when you go back for Christmas?
No. I do not spend all my potential time with my family out shopping for obscure films.

7. Did you have a nanny when you were a kid?
No.

8. Don't you think school uniforms are a great idea? They stop kids from comparing their clothes all the time.
No. Because you can buy navy blue V-necks from Woolworths or Adidas and kids will still always compare the prices of their clothes.

9. Isn't four years old terribly young to start school? I think kids should stay kids as long as possible.
No. Because going to school doesn't make you an instant adult, does it?

10. How's the good old Queen doing?
How the hell should I know? Do I look like a wax-jacketed corgi-owner to you?

11. Were your parents mods or were they rockers?
Neither.

But looking on the bright side, the Berliners have at least read two books to gain this broad knowledge of British culture. And watched one film. Answers on a postcard please.